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Okay, it’s official. I’ve found my favourite historical anecdote of all time.

So in ancient Rome they had this tradition where they had to consult the gods and check they had divine approval before they went into battle. They did this by bringing forth a flock of sacred chickens and throwing grain at them. Their behaviour would then determine whether or not the gods were on your side. If the hens didn’t eat or wouldn’t leave their cage, it was a Bad Omen and you had to postpone battle and ask again the next day. If the chickens ate happily it was a Good Omen and you could go and chop up some Gauls or Carthaginians or whoever you happened to be fighting.

Now, there are lots of little stories about these chickens, but I just found one I hadn’t seen before. In 137 BC, the consul C. Hostilius Mancinus tried to take auspices before battle, but:

pulli cavea emissi in proximam silvam fugerunt summaque diligentia quaesiti reperiri nequiverunt

the chickens once released from their cage fled into a nearby wood and even though they were sought with the greatest diligence, they could not be recovered.

Can you fucking believe that. Can you actually believe that happened. The Romans have a reputation for being so stern and sensible and stoic and that happened. Like… everyone’s ready for battle, so you turn to your assistant and say “BRING FORTH THE CHICKENS” and you throw down the grain and open up their cage and the chickens just. run. they fucking run. those tiny velociraptor bastards abscond screaming into the woods like there’s no tomorrow. Blinking in disbelief, you send soldiers into the woods to recover them but those feathered bandits are gone. Vanished. The gods have deserted you. You’re beating bushes and following the sounds of triumphant clucks. The soldiers are frantic. The chickens are gone. 

He lost the battle. It was a Bad Omen.

That sounds like the ultimate Bad Omen like at that point you go home and start drawing up an armistice bc the gods told you to go fuck yourself with chickens

That’s… pretty much what happened. The chicken omen, along with a few other Bad Omens, resulted in: 

infelici pugna, turpi foedere, deditione funesta

“a lost battle, a shameful peace treaty, and a calamitous handover.”

so yeah, he lost the battle and had to go home and sign an embarrassing peace treaty that the Romans complained about years later, and when they talk about him they curse him for his praecipitem audaciam – “reckless audacity” – and vesana perseverantia “insane obstinacy” because NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU’D LISTENED TO THE CHICKENS AND POSTPONED BATTLE LIKE THEY TOLD YOU. 

Don’t forget naval commander Claudius Pulcher, whose sacred chickens refused to eat anything before the battle of Drepana. He tossed the chickens overboard, saying if they won’t eat, then let them drink, and went into battle where he promptly lost almost all of his ships and crew. I forget if he died or returned to Rome in disgrace, but it was a freaking disaster and the sacred chickens called it.

@chiauve i think you’ll love this as much as I do

I’m not sure which phrase in this post is my favorite, “bring forth the chickens” or “this would have never happened if you listened to the chickens.”

What about Pulcher’s line: “Bibant, quoniam esse nolunt!” – They can drink if they won’t eat! – after which the sacred chooks went swimming.

I bet the spreading news of what he’d done ruined the morale of his entire fleet and went a long way towards why he lost the battle. Men who think their commander has offended the gods aren’t going to fight well on his behalf, in case the gods spread their offended wrath around. (If I remember my “Myths of Ancient Greece and Rome” correctly, the Olympian lot tended to do that a lot.)

AFAIK when Pulcher* returned to Rome in disgrace the Senate immediately tried him for impiety (a Senatorial message to the gods that they didn’t approve of him either) then banished him to exile where he died soon after.

Moral: don’t be horrid to the holy hens.

(*For the second time in this post, spell-checker wanted me to spell his name as “Pucker”. Appropriate, I suppose. Go figure.)

@ekjohnston & @darthmelyanna I feel like this post will resonate with you both.

“Bring forth the chickens!”

Yeah, that’s fair.

Indeed

@copperbadge I feel this is something you’d appreciate.

I think the real point here is that given half a chance a chicken will fuck you up any way it can. 

no-wifi:

tumblr is running out of urls and now it’s hit the point where they look like our hotmail addresses from when we were 8

dubistruhig:

i want someone to look at me & say damn that’s mine & just be so proud to have me

boymilk:

boymilk:

full offense but like…. ladies and gentlemen…. this is mambo number 5

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“Be a little kinder than you have to.”

— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars
(via theliteraryjournals)